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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Insane Fear

  • So last night, 10pm, I was getting ready for bed. I suddenly realized that my heart is beating too fast that it's becoming uncomfortable, almost painful. I tried calming down - I wasn't even excited about anything except well, sleeping - I love sleep! No go. Not helping, the stubborn heart continued to race in my chest.
  • Then my brain started formulating nonsense.
  • What if I'm about to have a heart attack? What if I die? Shall I call someone to come over in the morning to send my children to school? Which is totally illogical you see. Going to school should be the least of their worry if their mother is dead.
  • Then, I started thinking, what will happen to them when I'm no longer around? Who will supervise homework? Who will make sure they go to bed on time? Who will nag them to clean their room, empty the trash, wash their shoes? Because you see, around here, in the 'good cop bad cop' scenario, I'm the bad cop. I'm always around for the not so fun stuff.
  • What if what if what if.
  • In the end, I didn't sleep at all, because of this insane fear that if I sleep, I might never wake up. I managed to develop a monstrous headache + fever in the process, then, I showered at 4am.
  • Went to check on my children - both of them have not been feeling very well since the night before. Fed them their meds, popped a couple for myself as well and we all went back to bed where I embraced sleep like a long lost soulmate.
  • I never want to repeat last night again. Never.
  • Now that we got the fear of dying out of the way, let's pay attention to this wonderful, wonderful world of ours. :) I promise you I'm not crazy - I just need to put those down 'on paper' or so to speak. I need to remember that it's not my 'place' to worry about things like that. Things happen for a reason and when my time comes, there's nothing I can do about it.
chictags
  • My happy place - Hard Rock Hotel, Penang Malaysia.
  • Airmail washi - my current favorite. I want to use bits of it on everything these days. Everyday Life Button - another favorite. In fact, a lot of favorites here on this page. So apt for a layout about this wonderful world.
  • Confession - I botched the title stamping once, then flipped the cardstock and started over. :)
  • If you're still here, thank you. This post is wordy, I know. But I want my blog to not only be the place of sunshine, rainbows and multi colored ponies - but also a place of fear, sleepless nights and failures. :)
xoxo

35 comments :

ClaireTet said...

I am so glad I am not the only one who literally loses sleep over all the things I cannot control. I love the brilliant colours in your photos! We adore Lone Pine which is just a little further up the beach in Penang but I suspect as my daughter gets bigger Hard Rock will be more her style!

Valerie Bishop said...

You are not alone! I've been in that same place of panic and fear and staying up all night to make sure I'd still be there the next morning! Hope you all are feeling lots better today! Hugs! I just love the bright pops of color on your layout! Everything about it is just beautiful!

WillieburgScrapper said...

Hi Sasha!
Sounds like you had a classic panic attack- they can be very scary- especially if there is chest and arm pain involved. I hope everything improves and you feel more relaxed- maybe you need an imaginary "happy place" like the dude in Fight Club with his ice cave and penguins. I LOVE this page- so SO crisp and bright and sunny- fantastic!!!! That airmail tape is to die for- not sure where I've seen it for sale but I can't believe I don't have some yet- off to search! :)

Amy Coose said...

I hear ya on the anxiety. It consumes me at times, too. I hope you are all feeling better this morning, and I love the layout, of course.

Amy Coose said...

I hear ya on the anxiety. It consumes me at times, too. I hope you are all feeling better this morning, and I love the layout, of course.

Joy said...

Seriously this is one AMAZING layout, I am in love with everything...

Super big hugs, hope that you are okay now...

Denise said...

Hope you are feeling much better. You are not crazy just a momma. Have a good week Sasha. love your layout.

Laura O'Donnell said...

beautiful page!

sorry to hear about the stresses. we've all been there.

taraleclaire said...

Oh Sasha - I love how honest and heartfelt you are. Sorry to hear you had an anxiety-filled night and hey, at least you recognize that you don't want to feel that way ever again. You are one fabulous woman!

Naddy said...

Lovely LO... love all the pretty embellishments :)

sharon Ong / Ngoo said...

Wow...that sounds scary! But glad to see that you are ok. Awesome layout!

Shonie said...

And you don't even have to have kids to worry like that! My dogs are getting really old and I have the same thoughts and I wake up to make sure they're still breathing. It's exhausting. It does sound like your having a panic attack tho. When I have them I repeat to myself that it isn't real and that my body is just over reacting to this stressful world we live in. It seems to help. I hope you find what helps you. I always love your pages!!

Diana Albright said...

I have fears like that ALL. THE. TIME. Especially since becoming a mother. I want TIME. I want her to have a mom forever and I want to be her mom forever. So I totally get where you're coming from.

Love, love, love the LO!

Kelly said...

Glad you are ok Sasha!!
And love your beautiful page xxx

Mary Jo Rhoda said...

I have so had those moments. And yes, they are usually in the middle of the night!
Anxiety can be consuming, but I have learned to deal with it through yoga, breathing (yes, i actually took a workshop when my anxiety was at my worst) and exercise. Those three things really help me keep it under control :)

Thinking of you!

Diana Waite said...

You are human, I WORRY all the time too. At those times I need to do some breathing and self talk--somethings you can't change and THAT is the way it is...
I so TOTALLY LOVE this layout--clean simple and lovely!

Teka Cochonneau said...

I too have had many sleepless nights due to anxiety. Breathing exercises and running are what helped me through the worst of it. Love your layout! So clean and vibrant and alive. Beautiful!

Laura in CT said...

I love that you shared this--I know that panicky feeling too well. Here's a virtual hug from a stranger--see if that doesn't set your heart racing! :-) Love the page, as always--it inspires me to scrap some happy for myself.

theelfqueen said...

I have those kinds of nights. In fact at one point last year I had so much of that... that I had to seek medical assistance. And it changed my world in other ways, too. Anxiety is so hard.

Allison Waken said...

Aw, I let my brain get the best of me sometimes too. Glad you got some sleep. Love this LO

Blossom inch said...

Sasha, love reading your post never failed to make me smile and you just good at writing and jokes! totally!
I hope both your chickas' will feel much better/get well soon. Would love to try your cinnamon rolls or whatever that you cooked as everything looks yummy, was thinking about all the foods posting. Love your PL - absolutely! This LO is gorgeous, so beautiful and yes I can see a lot of nice embs on it.
Take care and have a great week ahead.

Hugs

Juanna Hope Sia said...

Hi Shasha, hope you're feeling better! have more rest ya. Hugs!

Super love your layout! I just picked up my airmail twine and tape, time to put them to use too haha!

Anonymous said...

I'm not a dr, just an adoring fan of your scrapbooking but I remember on another post you said you were on, what felt like, your 54th cup of coffee. I started having anxiety attacks in the evening with the same thoughts you had and my Dr figured out that all the coffee I was drinking was the cause. I cut back to a cup in the morning and one in the early afternoon and I haven't had one in a long time. I don't know, just wanted to tell you that. Anxiety is awful. **hugs**

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

*sigh* I feel your pain my dearest... glad you are ok now... I absolutely am IN LOVE with your lo... so happy and cheery!! GORGEOUS!

Sara said...

Oh sweetie, I think every mother sometimes has the same thoughts & panic. You are not alone, but I feel your pain. {{{{BIG HUGS}}} to you my wonderful friend! Beautiful LO as always!!

pakosta said...

that almost sounds like a panic attack! I have had a couple and they are NOT fun!!! so sorry and I hope that never happens again, but if it does, take some deep deep breaths into a paper bag and relax!
have you heard of Valerian Root?
it's an all natural (pill form, I think?) that my friend told me about for anxiety/sleeping/stress....
xoxo
tara

Charlene said...

probably anxity? When I was in my 20's I woke up out of a sound sleep with my heart racing...went to emergency thinking I was having a heart attack...but only anxity...it does terrible things to our body! LOVE THE PAGE :-)

Denise said...

Sasha, that sounds scary, frustrating and tiring. I hope it's a one time occurrence and all your night sleeps to come are restful and full of peace.

Rebecca said...

Oh, honey. We all have fears. I have many, many. I hope you've been able to sleep better since!!

This page is absolutely lovely! I don't know how you do it - you keep making them more and more awesome!!

Jenny said...

I've had a few of these sleepless nights too. It's no fun. I even went so far as telling my husband "...if you wake up in the morning and I am dead, you need to make sure the kids get to school on time..." Serious! Hope you feel better! xxoo

Melonie said...

(((HUGS))) Sasha!

caroline hancock / Scrappercaz said...

aww girl, im so so sorry this happened to you. I hope you get it checked out incase you have a problem. Since loosing the baby last year and almost dying this is a huge fear of mine too, i really worry about Lucy as i know her and her dad would not cope without me, it terrifies me to think of no one being there for her, terrifies!!!

Diana said...

I'm kinda glad I didn't read this when it happened or I would have been so worried. But I am glad you felt you could share it with your blog love friends.

Zaira Ivette Sierra said...

I know it's been a long time since you posted this, but just in case you get to see my comment, I would love to know where to find that lovely "Wish You Were Here" stamp that you used on the lower left corner of the layout. Thanks.

Zaira Ivette Sierra said...

I know it's been a long time since you posted this, but just in case you get to see my comment, I would love to know where to find that lovely "Wish You Were Here" stamp that you used on the lower left corner of the layout. Thanks.